I felt the cool grass under my feet as I made my way from the patio onto the less than dew damp lawn and a toe skip to the blanket where I’d left my sandles. I stabbed the summer umbrella into the garden. The umbrella tilted a bit as the soil underneath, still moist, gave way a little; it provided a little privacy from the neighbours and their upstairs windows should they come back. The sun lightly toasting the back of my legs right up to my denim turn up shorts, barely noticeable heat with the breeze which despite being the first day of summer felt like it still had a cold edge. I remember thinking ‘I must pop back in soon and get some sun-tan lotion on, I’ll only regret it.’ I laid front-down on the blanket with a couple of cushions under my chin and ensured that I made time for myself with a Kindle in my hand, a newly purchased book and the peace of living semi-countryside. The only time the silence was broken was either when one of the local children teased their small yappy dog in their garden which echoed around the side walls of the houses or when next door set-off on their motorbike for a day out that gave me ensured private time under the sun and the words of a successful author.
There hasn’t been much in the way of progress from the Mental Health Unit of the local hospital. The decision of the next referral onwards is firmly in their hands and I just have to wait patiently. I thought it might have been a time to enjoy life while the those decisions were mulled over by the medical professionals but it has been a time of reflection and trying to ensure I don’t allow the questions to bully me unanswered.
Without the momentum of psychologist sessions and the firm dates in my diary that it provides I find myself freewheeling carefully pulling on the strings that steer my direction. I am definitely stronger. The questions don’t bully me so much, there are less of them, but there are still moments. ‘Is this really worth it?’ and ‘Can I really go through all this?’ The latter will then spawn other questions. Could I possibly ever be in a relationship again and who might want someone like me. The other option of course is to do nothing about it, chuck away all the clothes and nail varnish I enjoy and be left with what? The inherent deep-down soul that is who I am. The core part of me that is made up of a greater amount of the feminine than the masculine.
I snapped out of my thoughts and pulled the Kindle from it’s case. I looked over the blanket. ‘What was missing?’ A drink. I tip-toed over the grass and patio believing that trying to be light on my feet would surely save them from being cut should I step on something sharp or something that had teeth and legs. I started the cappuccino machine and waited for the light to go green. ‘It’s so nice on the lawn in the summer.’ I thought, ‘May be this is enough for me, I feel at one and just enjoy a book rather than thinking of the issue.’ I sometimes wish the sun out so I can spread the colourful blanket on the lawn and have some me time in the quiet of the village with just the chirp of the birds in the trees and that yappy dog bark bouncing around the garden. ‘Who am I sharing it with though, no one.’ There was a click and the green light came on.
I returned to the blanket; the sun had decided to hide behind the thin clouds but I could still feel the heat a little and the breeze had all but gone. ‘I should get my mobile just in case’ I thought. Up again, into the kitchen and pressed the button on the mobile. It lit up but was devoid of any news over text. I made my way back and tossed the mobile onto the edge of the blanket. Close enough to grab to check for anything new but far enough away to at least pretend I’m not obsessed by it’s live link to the outside world. I grabbed my drink complete with an ant running around the outside of the cup trying to decide whether it’s own new world was flat or not. I blew it off back into the grass, took a sip and returned to my e-book.
For once I was able to breath deeply rather than the shallow and forgetful breaths I’d been taking recently. The air seemed cleaner, refreshing and medicinal. My insides relaxed and felt like they had fallen back into place. It wasn’t long before the clouds cleared and the day became a hot summer burn. It was back into the house to grab a plastic bottle of factor twenty plastered onto the back of my legs and ensuring today I would cover the whole of my shoulders and arms. Some of it was just a little too late though as I felt the back of my legs itching ever so slightly. I would definitely remember to put on the after-sun when the evening set in later on.
I stopped for a moment. It hit me again, the loneliness. It didn’t really matter what decision I made for the future when it came to my gender, loneliness may well be something with me whichever path I take. Remaining as I live today keeps the lid ajar which makes it difficult for me to share my time with someone special should they come along. It would mean being completely honest about the real me and that isn’t to everyone’s taste, and the same goes for living full time. That time will come when they will need to know my history, once again honesty may well destroy any proper foundation of a relationship. What I do know is there is no real road backward. Sure, it’s always a choice but it’s a choice I would have to wholly believe in.
But for now, I lay on the grass and enjoy the moment with myself and my book. Soak the vitamin D of the sun rays and for a few hours, at least, not worry about my future.
Until next time.