Aspirations In The Dew

Sometimes it’s hard to see our life outside of transitioning. To see how minuscule a thing it is when it comes to deciding how we choose to live, our career, interests, love and direction. It consumes every waking minute of the day. The conflict inside that rules what I do each day. An excuse not to follow my dreams. It’s power to decide who I date or even whether I do or don’t.

In the past few years I have come to realise how important it is to not allow the gender thing to halt my life, as it has done so well, or make decisions as to what I do next. This is what I mean by minuscule. It’s certainly a huge thing in my life and a huge decision, let’s not under estimate it, but I think sometimes, as a genderist, we tend to forget we have a life outside of who we are inside.

Let’s take a for-instance. Where I work at the moment is a continuation of my career that I’ve had since university. It was destiny since I was young until a few years ago when I realised it just didn’t make me the switched-on person I once was. It was starting to suck the life out of me rather than give me the bright glow I used to feel. When I realised this I took the huge but certain decision to quit. Suddenly I was awake again. I’d started to write with the uncertain future of being creative at the times that suited me. No more bosses. No more timetables or company policies. Hard work was rewarding beyond my imagination. Some two years later when I almost ran out of money I returned to my career as a temporary measure. A job fairly easy to win in an interview with a cv rich in years of experience.

The problem is I’m still there and a little settled until last week. I suddenly realised I was loosing my vision. My vision to be someone else, outside of any gender-issue, but to be able to be anybody I want to. I certainly wouldn’t want to transition where I am now. Some transgendered people are happy to transition in their workplace. It’s brave and can bring with it a massive quantity of validation as well as rewards. Some people prefer to move on and start a fresh. This cliques with me a lot but even so I think I want more.

I know I want to make something new of myself. I know that my career has run it’s course and I enjoyed some of what it brought to me. What a better time to transition than being the person I want to be. If I were to stay where I am today, sure I would most likely be financially sound when it came to retirement, would I be happy? I feel it right now. Right this minute. I know I would be one of the robots working to make the company director even more wealthy. I would be a machine at a desk.

I am not that person. I am that soul that needs to be free to fly. To work when the waves of creativity and physical energy take me whatever time of day or night and to choose my downtimes when ever I need time out. I can’t be that person who stays at the rigidity of a short desk and a chair there to ruin my back in the not too distant future of my life and any other detriment to my health working in an office is prepared to throw at me under those cold neon lights.

These are the sorts of things I should be working at while I’m waiting for the health service to decide what they want to do with me. I could spend some time on the phone chasing up the decision, and I may well do later in the week, but I have the rest of my life to sort out. I still have the aspirations and dreams of a twenty something, albeit with a lot less energy without the help of caffeine, and so I have to chase those dreams. The gender thing will be that something that I take with me in whatever form I choose.

In the eyes of my parents I have achieved many things. I’m lucky enough to have at least a half decent education and a reasonable career but I want more out of myself if my body will allow me. I have this dream of my own beautiful house where I get up in the morning in my best white linen clothes and stand in the south facing patio feeling the coldness of the stone floor under foot or the fresh dew in the grass. With a cup of tea or doing some morning relaxation exercises preparing myself for a day of creativity rather than a rush of shovelling breakfast and the slow crawl of a morning commute to spend several hours in an office.

When Friday came last week I decided to head to the beach. Not for my promised run along the coast, which had to take a side line for this special day, but to take in the cosmic spectacle of the solar eclipse. I drove to the car park that was empty of what would be the crush of parking in the summer. It may have been the cold hour of seven a.m. but the sights and sounds of the high tide waves crashing against the rocks setting my soul into a warm glow from the first spring sunshine of the early morning.

I walked over the rocks and pools along the edge taking in the solitary meeting of the land and sea. Bigger waves rolled in and washed the coast with its energy and motivation. I was already being set into a frame of mind befitting of the location. My daily stresses were long forgotten. When the eclipse came the temperature dropped and my fingers became winter frost frozen barely able to control the camera. For that time when the moon passed across the sun I became aware of our fragile reliance on the sun and what it brings us. Light, warmth, vitamin D, pink raw sun burn of pale tourists and incorrect weather forecasts.

I was moved, excited and positive. That gender thing is a big part of life but it’s not all of it. It shouldn’t be all consuming, as it is much of the time, and as much as medical and psychological healing is part of the remedy, having new goals in life, sorting out other stresses and working towards my dreams are just as much of the cure.

Until next time.


2 thoughts on “Aspirations In The Dew

  1. Your’re right of course Hannah, there is more to life than just the Genger thing. It can get very difficult sometimes to see past such a huge thing in our lives, and it’s good that you seem to have this perspective. I remember that my own transition time choices were difficult, pulled in many more than two directions I found it very stressful. It’s impossible to see the distant future with any certainty and difficult to predict the nea future with much certainty either, but happiness and conflict of the soul is down to your own decisions and choices. I made mine and it was huge, the biggest one I ever had to make. I can only say that with the contentment it brought eventually I wish I could have seen how straight forward things would be looking forward from back then.

    Debs x

  2. It’s all a process of discovery. Just when I think I’ve found out all I think I can know about myself I find more.

    Thanks for the lovely words.

    Hannah x

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