The sun was out again at lunch time. The grass in the park was freshly cut making a comfortable carpet to sit on and a get-away from the stress and migraines of work at the office. I looked across the flowerbeds that are surrounded by short well kept hedgerow and gravel pathways. The deep red tulips that rose tall towards the blue depths of the sky were dying off and only a few remain to be replaced by blue flowers rising from the earth.
It was the seasonal change that struck a chord. What was once in bloom had to be replaced by the new. I felt like those flowerbeds were already well on their way for change and I was being left behind. I seem to be waiting for something to happen but that wait is going on and on but it always comes down to one thing, money.
Treating myself to new clothes or a break is a bit of a rarity for me. Sure I go away for the weekend or buy a new top now and then through the year but I’m certainly far from being that materialistic retail consumerist running my life on a diet of television soaps and retail therapy; I just can’t afford the time. I’m doing everything I can to try and move my life on to new spring shoots but the world just doesn’t seem to want to move fast enough. I want a new career. I want that beautiful villa in the South of France overlooking deep azure sea with a gentle breeze in the morning to clear my head for the day. Who wouldn’t?
The thing is these things all take time and on top of that all the gender stuff is also taking time and all I find myself doing is waiting. Waiting for someone else to make the change or make a decision that makes it easy for me to get on with all the good things in life. Sitting in the park over a decaf latte is at least one step towards that. I don’t know anyone in my work place who does that and sits there with a laptop planning their change in life or working on their own project to get out of the rat race and may be let the park become their permanent office.
The only thing that stops me progressing most of the time, other than money, is fatigue. I get home from work and while dinner is on the go I’m thinking about what else I can do or between stirring and chopping typing something out. By close too midnight I’m still thinking and annoyed that my body won’t stay up any longer. It’s the typical western society of ever increasing goals and putting more into every hour and spending even more hours on those goals. We will run out of time one day and when someone invents a pill to keep us awake twenty-four-seven then that’ll be the end of it all.
I can distract myself with a new summer dress or try and make some more small inroads into expressing who I am to the wider world but they’re still ever so small distractions. I need to focus. Focus on the things I want to do and I want for my future. A well known therapist author once wrote “What you focus on consistently, you get more of in your life” and he couldn’t be more right. It’s surprising how much we sabotage our own happiness without even realising. It’s such a shame I spend nearly forty hours of my week on something I don’t particularly enjoy anymore and find extremely stressful and that is the one thing I really need to change. It’s not just about gender, it’s about everything.
I headed for home with the idea of throwing a bean bag on the decking in the garden and may be reading while the sun set. Some escapism in a novel to give myself a break from the thoughts and the migraine I took home with me but the clouds had set in and hung with heavy mascara charcoal grey lines threatening a storm. The temperature dropping noticeably as the minutes passed. By the time I was home spots of rain had sealed any chance of a long orange sun drenched evening.
Whether I ever have that Cote d’Azur villa with the mosaic patio for early morning yoga before a brief swim in the pool is still an unfulfilled dream but it doesn’t matter. Having the dream is what counts and at least giving it a try is essential.
Until next time.