The knife scraped delivering strawberries on one slice and hazelnut cocoa spread on another with a sound of workmen mixing mortar with a shovel. The new sun trickled through the white cotton knotted curtains into the dining room with warmth but not enough to keep the toast warm so there was no delaying the consumable pleasure. The first proper sunny morning, for days, that makes every difference to the outlook for the day, the week and my future. For some reason with the brightness it only made sense to use a bone china cup to self-serve a cup of English Breakfast tea on a string from a small packet previously borrowed from a hotel room in London. Grey misty rainy days just sometimes seem to be accompanied by self doubt and a shrinking of opportunity.
It wasn’t exactly a day bursting with optimism and possibilities but I suppose a birth of a good day, coming out of the trough of a low week scattered with headaches, colds, aching joints and sore throats. It was kind of like that feeling when you consume a cool drink on a hot day and the coolness spreads through your chest as you swallow as if its spreading throughout your veins. The start of something relieving. I kind of feel like I’m waking from a deep sleep and need to shake the clouds from my head.
While I’m normally someone who can look ahead, think beyond the possibilities and may be even change things for the better, there are some days, although usually some weeks, when it’s both cloudy outside and inside. When it’s hard to keep a focus whether it be from being rundown or colds or just finding it difficult to keep on track.
Normally when I need to shake myself up and clear my thoughts I travel. Not really to find myself but to find my thoughts. It’s like when a writer is trying to find what they need to say, whether it’s music or a novel, they distract themselves by doing something else. An escape to distract but not to run away. But with the pending financial shrink I have little money to go further than the nearest coffee shop.
Change makes life interesting. Sometimes change is needed whether we want it or not because it might be for the better. It’s not just the gender thing it’s anything that can effect how we feel. At the moment I feel I want change; aside from the obvious. I get bored of where I live at times and sometimes feel I want something with a bit more life and yet change can leave me a bit empty at times. They can be the tiniest of things but that coffee shop that I might have visited for two years regularly has shut down and now there is a space in my routine. It could be anywhere that’s made life just that little bit more special no matter how insignificant it may seem. Sometimes we don’t just not want change but we don’t want more of it. We don’t need that third sequel to Bridget Jones or a new flavour of the same tea. We were happy with what we have.
It’s a huge conflict between change and no change. Desire to shake things up; just may be not too much. I find myself in the ideal situation of being open to a huge array of options of what I do with my time, where I live and who I spend my time with and yet, bizarrely, I am also crippled in choice. Money is a little part of it but it’s mostly fear of change and the ability to be confident in my choice; an apathy and indecision cocktail. None of this should affect anything to do with whatever I decide to do about my gender. That’s a side issue in context. I’ve been through the thick and difficult couple of years of psychological analysis and counselling. It’s sorting out all the other remaining issues that have made life a little less enjoyable and more mundane. Burning embers at the moment rather than a warm steady flame of a chimenea at early evening.
The problem is I’m in a small self perpetuating cycle of what-to-do-next-I-can’t-do-it. Allowing myself to talk myself out of my potential whether it be my next job, my next career or where I go next, if I go anywhere at all. I need to shake myself up. That bump-start that fires a spark inside to get me moving again and believe in myself, my skills, my ingenuity and ability to make my own decision on things that will make me happy. That shake up could be anything. Getting up an hour earlier. Making sure I go out and run regularly rather than just when I feel I want to or spending hours reading through job listings looking for even more strange choices of a career change that I might like rather than just the set-list I have at the moment. Get down the coast. Breath in that ozone fresh salt air to clear my head from time to time.
It’s just that I am feeling a bit lost these last few weeks and just need a morning where I wake, the sky is blue, the sun is warm and I feel refreshed and not aching and fatigued. For now though, until that happens, I just need a hot, highly caffeinated, drink in the morning to get that kick-start, high cocoa chocolate to help feel a bit happier and high doses of Vitamin C to shake off this cold. May be sometimes the answer is just as simple as that.
Until next time.