Bleak

Not much else enhances bleakness more than a winter making it’s stamp on the land with autumn as it’s forerunner. There are two ways to look at our future, embrace the crisps cold days in the warmth of huggable thick pullovers and the protective nature of gloves against delicate fingers and eyes burning in the view of golden leaves tumbling in the breeze or we can envelop into the future painted with wiry leafless trees sporadically lining pastures below misty cold grey skies with no outlook for change.

It is so easy to fall into the trappings of a bleak outlook. Allowing opportunities for change to pass us by and not making plans to improve our lives for the better and live for the here and now. This is hard when moods are swinging from week to week or month to month. When I feel energised I find myself delving into hours on hours of plans, work and achievement. Days where every hour is used to it’s end and going to bed becomes an inconvenience and when I have these days I grab hold of them with every ounce of energy I can find. With the thought that this enthusiasm will end at any time, within hours, days or it could even be weeks, but without knowing when, I feel I have to use it while I can. Whenever the opposing lacklustre moment returns I will need to have achieved enough to get me through until the next polar moment. It effects everything. Work, cleaning the house, going out, music, writing and everything else, including the gender thing.

At the moment the trees are raining warm rustic colours and my fingerless gloves are working to keep me warm. I see an optimistic future for my career working hard even without any certainty of success. I’m thinking about myself. Ensuring I give myself enough time as well as others. Yet despite all this I remain confused how I have left my gender issues on the shelf for the last few weeks. I know it’s there and it hasn’t gathered dust or left me alone, but making any decisions or progress has been on hold.

May be this is just a moment of stillness. Like a pause between a breath or the lapse in the waves coming onto the beach. May be I need this time. Like many things we all need a break, especially from something that is so needling every minute of every day. At the same time I know that mulling around in the back of my head is the thought about whether or not the gender clinic and it’s process are helping me. The lack of proper guidance and even simple straight forward information that seems to be missing is all stress that I wonder what I am getting from it. The main guidance I was given was to ‘visit the transwiki website and may be go to a local support group meeting.’ While these resources are invaluable for some people I think the clinic had missed how much contact I’d had with other people in similar situations over the years and when it came to the information, well I feel a bit all-informationed-out. There is only so much you can read before it becomes just different opinions from different people. Various theories but no real evidence of the cause of gender identity issues. Medication, surgeons, doctors who help and those who don’t. The only thing that seems to be new these days is the direction of gender and how people are looking to genderless living. More to add to the confusion box.

I may have plenty of decisions to make and probably that is what I should spend my time thinking about rather than the clinical administrative errors like not taking enough blood for all the tests in that blood test that anyone visiting the clinic for the first time has to do. May be these things are just an annoyance that I just need to put aside.

I think, amongst all these things, what I really want is to take this energetic time and commit myself to the things that matter to me and crow-bar in a few minutes of a week for the admin of my relationship with that clinic and spend the rest of my valuable time doing rather than thinking.

Despite all the self reasoning may be this is all part of the journey. They say the journey is more rewarding than the goal and may be that is one of my fears.

Until next time.

x

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