How Could I Ever

It was a party. The music loud. Worse a shirt that fitted, but didn’t fit. You know – that awkwardness of knowing you just don’t feel you should be wearing it. At least I got to wear my jeans. I thought for a moment, looking around at all my family and their friends, some talking deep in conversation and laughing, others dancing in front of the DJ, I thought for that moment how could I ever go through with re-adjusting who I was on the outside and feel comfortable amongst all these family, friends and friends of friends that I didn’t know. How could I feel able to sit there without my stomach taught with concrete anxiety paralysing me in every way. This wasn’t just about what I might be wearing if I were to change my outward gender, it was feeling comfortable that people weren’t looking and may be saying to each other “oh yes, thats the one.”

But then I thought again about how I felt now, sat here in a shirt that even thought it’s nice and worn with as much femininity as can possibly be managed, I’m still in that mens shirt, I’m still the uncle, the brother – the son. It doesn’t matter who has suspicions right now or who might think I’m feminine for a male, that’s still how I’m being perceived and at this moment I am feeling that exact concrete feeling in my guts, the paralysis throughout that makes me just feel uncomfortable. Like the metaphorical shirt just doesn’t fit. Pulling my body to be shaped a different way. Anxiety. If I’m going to be anxious anyway then why not pick one of the two genders that I’ll be most comfortable during most of the days of my life and live.

That night at that celebration party I’d felt I’d lost. I’d lost the ability to be confident in the direction my gender might take, a direction that I can just get on with things and something in the back of my mind that would slowly grow and come to the fore, was going to be defeated.

I woke the early the next morning despite the late return home from the party the night before. The sun hadn’t quite risen with just a dull glow seeping through the fabric of the curtains. I pulled them open a few inches. The trees lining the top of the near by hill with silhouetted against pale blue and dark ocean grey clumps of cloud and a hint of yellow and the quiet of a Sunday 7am. The new day and a fresh stillness of the morning, and the possibility that I was one of few to be up at that time, had made me feel a warmth. A cosiness of pulling on some jogging carpi’s and a pull-over. A comfort of femininity was still there. It was the opposite of the night before. I felt it didn’t matter who would know and a sense of genuineness and authenticity.

It really did feel genuine. It felt right. Calm. Just there. It may just be clothes but it seems to be a sum of it’s parts. The recipe of ingredients. I lent back on the sofa, looked at the ceiling and ran my fingers through my clean dark hazel hair that is as long as it has been for such a long time and I felt a need to plait it out of the way. Just another small thing of running fingers through my hair felt refreshing and felt like just another one of the ingredients.

– ❤ –

The week passed quickly and once again I woke to the comfort of the duvet and a dull light. After socialising twice and having to take most of Friday to recover from Thursday, friends and drink, an early night and morning seemed refreshing both physically and spiritually. I got out of bed and split the curtains to be drained of stress and further enlightened by the horizon of trees with golden sunlight just below tinting several interleaving clouds and a hint of a pale wash of blue above. The tops of the wooden fencing dusted with snow and white crystallised within the grass. Early enough that the powder coat of snow on the roofs of houses and garages had not melted from central heating. Stick a Robin on the fence and you’d have had a Christmas card.

I love those moments when I am up early enough to see the beginning of a new day with the quiet of the morning and love myself for doing so rather than pulling that duvet up higher and drifting off a little more. I decided to enjoy an hour or two of that wake up with a cup of Earl Grey and some breakfast and find time to go and see my Mum.

We sat over a table of cups and a cafe desert treat in the busy and noisy town coffee machine and talked about anything and everything. Allow my Mum to vent and me to listen. I always thought if I was ever going to tell her about the gender thing it would probably be there. I don’t know if it would be the right place or the right moment. It was just a place I’d chosen – in my head. It was a place we both feel comfortable and talk about our lives and share stuff. I even thought about it at that moment. Thoughts passing through my head, ‘would this the moment.’ Would she be talking about something her friend had said and then in a break of the conversation I would broach the subject, or even just say it, or would I have to wait until we were roughly already talking about thing related to gender even if it was just about something vaguely feminine. Did feminine really need to be the subject, it’s certainly not the whole story. How do I casually mention a few decades of gender identity.

I suppose if I decide that time should come then its as good a place as any.

Until next time.

Hannah x

4 thoughts on “How Could I Ever

  1. I think everyone I came out to happened in a different way, only one of them was planned, and when I say planned I mean I decided on the time. Others were a “finally” after a few “almosts”, my mum was the most difficult and the first, I think because she was the most important to me. Everything after that was easier.

  2. “…that awkwardness of knowing you just don’t feel you should be wearing it.”

    Oh indeed. :-\ I feel your pain – if that’s any consolation. ❤ Why is it certain clothes do that to us?

    As to a good time to come out; I don't there's ever a good time, you just need to grit your teeth and go for it. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

    • I think it’s down to representation rather than being ‘just wrong clothes’ even though we think of it that way. We associate it with the parts of masculinity we don’t like and that emphasises the shirt, or whatever it is, as being bad and feeling the uncomfortable traits of it rather than the good things. We all have some masculine and feminine traits, it’s just for some people it’s more weighed to one side than the other 🙂

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