A Gap For A Friend

I sat at the breakfast table at his parents house. It must have been over ten years ago. It was a sort of farm house, you know, with low solid dark wooden beams ready to hit your head on a the bottom of the stairs and different caverns of staircases and short corridors leading to the various bedrooms with the clunk of floorboards below.

The two dogs wandered around the table almost certainly looking for scraps toast falling to the floor or may be bacon was a regular thing that I wasn’t aware of. They were huge dogs. The one was grumpy and sauntered around and walked off to the living room looking for somewhere to lay while the other was more active and would go anywhere it pleased. I love dogs but these pair made me just a little nervous and a breed that give good reason to be, so I’ve heard. The only things that prevents any further fear of that pair is that I’m unlikely to ever visit that place again and the dogs are probably now – dead.

At the end of the kitchen was an AGA cooker that looked well used and not just some upper middle class shiny thing to show off to their friends. I got the distinct impression his parent didn’t really have friends over that often and were comfortable in their own company, in fact they were so remote that I doubt many people made that sort of journey very often and the very few locals were the ones who they spoke to.

I remember getting to the house in the first place, a short motorway journey followed by a length of dual carriage way, through a small village in the countryside and then through narrow lanes passing fields for miles on end until I reached a small triangle junction with the hamlet postbox offering one of a limited ways to talk to the outside world, at least at the time. Then just passing a few old cottages and there it was, probably complete with an oil tank for winter heating I suspect – it was proper remote for our country.

I only remember this because my friend’s photo appeared in my feed on social media – he was back in the country. We haven’t spoken in over ten years and I always wondered if I was too demanding for keeping in touch and that’s why he stopped talking as our friendship fizzled away. But when I saw this photo pop up out of the blue I thought for a moment about whether our friendship ended because may be he just knew about the gender thingand that it wasn’t something he could deal with and may be just found it weird. I’m pretty sure he knows for reasons I’ve spoken about before.

When things were going quiet between us his ex-girlfriend and I started speaking. Over the internet of course, I’d never met her, he’d only spoken about her when he was briefly back in the country and photos would pop up in my feed, when we were actually socially connected at the time, and she was some five thousand miles away. She liked to bitch about him and I couldn’t help reciprocate. Nothing horrible or nasty, just the niggles we both had and I think we both got it out of our system. May be he heard about our niggles and that’s why he was fed up. That’s where I thought it had gone but then I started thinking that these are things we get over and surely we’d have spoken again since – or may be there was more to it?

He was a hint of a ‘girl in every port’ sort of person as he globe hopped and while I was missing his energy, enthusiasm and ideas, as time went on I realised there were something I don’t miss either. We had all met at University in the nineties and while we hung around in a group socialising when we graduated and got jobs, about four or five of us, they all slagged him off when he wasn’t around and I always stood up for him. I guess that’s why I’m a bit peeved at least I was until recent years when I just moved on – then this social post reminded me.

So was it gender stuff that he didn’t like or was it me airing my thoughts to his ex? Who knows. He speaks briefly to one person I’m still in contact with but I think even that is few and far between as he finds new people every time he moves on. But may be that is just it – moving on. People do move on in life and people out-grow their friends either because interests change or intellect continues to grow for them where friends find a place and settle for that routine and things just aren’t compatible anymore. I know there are good friends I had in my school days that I don’t keep in touch with and them not with me either. It happens and may be that’s just it.

It was a peaceful day that time I stayed at his parents house. I remember some of it so clearly yet I’ve no idea why I actually stayed there. I remember the layout of the living room, the garden with it’s rockery and the fields beyond where we got chased by sheep that thought we had food for them. It was one of the calmest days I think I’d spent with him, may be being around his parents or in the countryside had that affect. Practically every other occasion was either marred with some drama queen disaster (because it sounded cool to have a drama – I think you understand), there were many, or had to be exciting in some way, which sometimes was good.

Whether he knows about my gender identity issue, which at that time was a really hard time for me, doesn’t really matter. By tomorrow I’ll have forgotten about him once again and not being linked in social media anymore I’m unlikely get reminded any time soon. But whatever the reason was it’s a reminder that may be there is a gap for a new friend.

Until next time.

Hannah x

2 thoughts on “A Gap For A Friend

  1. “Vacancy for someone kind and odd in the right sort of way…”

    Perhaps the friendship had its time? When I look at the friendships my children have had, they are varied and seem to be about how they’d like to be, in as much as it can be shared interests.

    I think back to some school friends: people I was properly close to and those relationships are no more. They changed, I changed, we changed. I think there were times when I picked the wrong folk to hang out with. Perhaps I’d yet to learn to read folk and maybe now I know a few more of the danger signs. Life lessons eh? But as those friend exited, with time new ones came.

    Hopefully the gap won’t be long or an acquaintance will shift a gear to be closer.

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