I started by cutting my nails. My toe nails first, they seemed the most unkempt, with the tips split into two layers, topped with out-growing clear varnish that, once again, had been left on too long. Then my finger nails. They hadn’t grown much in two weeks but anything to make it feel like I was tidying up and refreshing myself. Then an exfoliating wipe over my face in the hope it might shave twenty years off – mentally at least.
It wasn’t going to make a migraine go away but I had run out of ideas to make myself feel better. Sleep hadn’t really helped and paracetamol only took the edge off. I couldn’t go running feeling this way and it would probably have had a negative affect, all I could do were things to make me feel refreshed and relaxed. May be I should be doing a little yoga which I may have done if it wasn’t for the lethargy that limited how much I could really be arsed to do.
Then I moved onto the mirror, tweezers and plucking those lockdown eye browse that had become a little like the untrimmed bay tree in the garden. The biggest surprised was only the one grey, which has lost the bet against my head in who can grow the most greys since March. My scalp has won that hands down.
This all makes me feel a bit refreshed and new. Purified and detoxed but it also makes me think about my future. On my current course I ask myself when will I have honey coloured hair, even if that would never quite suit me and so the feeling is revived about what I actually want to do next and whether my laxness with my feminine side and lacklustre is all about a comfort zone, discretely planting some regrets in the queue ready for when I hit my senior years.
But this is me all over. Indecisive. I miss the sea and coast at the moment with the restrictions we have had but if I lived close enough to visit the sea in the mornings before work I’d probably miss the hills and valleys that I can cycle around and the stunning views that come with it.. This isn’t about where I live, of course, though this is always part of things I question right now. But this is unlikely to be about missing city life and it’s buzz but probably more about not having someone else around the house.
Yesterday’s moth was still on the wall. A little thing, “Are you still here?” I asked wondering why he hadn’t left via the open window in the afternoon and what he could possibly want that made him stay here. I could have got a cup and gently evicted him into the rainy dark night but it felt like the one bit of non-conversational company I needed right now. At least I probably needed some kind of conversation given I was asking questions to a moth.
The gender thing is a fine balance. A balance between allowing myself to feel I’m able to just get on with being me while at the same time not allowing it to be the centre of everything. Getting on with other things, going places, exercising, working, cycling, running, seeing family when I can. The trick seems to be able to allow things to meld and interlace into every day life while, conversely, not allowing the gender thing to dissipate into the background so I can actually appreciate who I am and enjoy it.
We had a meeting in work. I say in work, like many people who aren’t furloughed, I am working-from-home. Meetings are across the internet and thankfully due to the economy of bandwidth that our ‘organisation’ needs, video conferences are rare and things remain audio. This means I don’t have to make too much of an effort in the mornings for daily meetings. Sure, making an effort each morning would probably be good for me but it suits my lazy side right now.
“So we can do that Wednesday.” said Geoff to the team, “ and then he –” referring to me, “can pick up the work in the afternoon. Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you he.”
I took a chance, “You can call me she if you prefer.” The team laughed, we all knew Geoff was referring to not using my regular name but of course like the whole team, no one (yet) knows about me in gender identity way.
It’s a moment like this, though, that reminds me how far I also haven’t come. Sure, there are plenty of people who have an inkling of some kind but there is nothing official I’ve done. But who knows. May be all this lockdown stuff has been the thinking time I’ve needed. More time not commuting giving more time thinking, or may be more time watching TV.
I have been stuck in a rut in recent months. Work and fatigue the biggest distraction and trying to adjust to our current way of life while finding replacements for some of the things that we can’t do right now. But something this week has reignited in me to change things a little more in some way or another. I’m not sure what it will be at the moment, I have some ideas, but it will be something different. Things are going as well as can be expected and what better time to shake things up than now?
Until next time.