That’s Something

A Saturday night in. I mean that’s not unusual these days but it was also a Saturday in. I just couldn’t shake my headache that had been repeating itself and I just had to find a way to stop. A way to relax for a day without making myself do something that I had-to, in my mind, be productive for the weekend. Besides, I wasn’t going anywhere with a head full of ache and sinuses blocking the way.

The first thing I decided was to have a nice breakfast for the day. I sat outside with a French pastry, Greek Yoghurt and a sparkling water. It felt like a Champagne for the morning and the weather had turned for the better. It was at least a little bit of outside air that I would get. Working from home has it’s great benefits in so many ways but being in the same environment for at least five days of the week can sometimes feel a bit like a mission to Mars.

I say stuck in all week, there is the weekly supermarket shop. I wore a face mask, just to at least do something towards the current situation, whether it actually does something or not it was the gesture that counted. I remember wondering this week whether it would make a difference to my perceived gender. After all with my hair in a high ponytail, like it is most of time, and a face mask covering any possible beard shadow – even after the closest of close five bladed shaves – and recently manicured eye browse, whether people would react to me differently?

The problem is I never really seem to interact with anyone in the supermarket these days. I mean who does. I go in, traverse the isles in more or less the same order each time, avoiding any impulsive purchases, then float into the self service queue and be on my way. Even the alcohol age check is done at a distance of two metre paces at the moment.

After a morning a flicking between the two cookery morning programmes and catching up with my running friends, virtually, I found myself wondering what do to next. I’d have to take my mind off being stuck in all day.

Amongst a pasta pesto lunch and watching some inspirational Youtube until I exhausted everything I could out of it I decided to have a bath. It would be in the afternoon so I would have my evening free for a rom-com movie in the evening. I hung small bright white led lights on the wall and lit the only remaining tea light candle I could find. I’d burnt through the last of my store of tea light candles throughout lockdown and I would be damned if I was going to queue the forty minutes plus at Ikea just to get my favourite pack of vanilla.

I slipped into the bath and listened to music. I’d had baths recently but it had been a long time since I’d actually taken the effort to find the right music and to slow down and enjoy the moment. It wasn’t while I was in there that I realised I felt better about making time for myself but it was after, when I got out. There wasn’t even any wine involved. Just some purple Radox and may be a little chocolate.

When the evening came and I sat on the floor in front of the sofa, a movie, the play button and a couple of slices of Pizza, my mood had already changed. Something at the end of the afternoon had clicked inside me and switch my mood. I’d become a bit retrospective and a bit sad. Thinking about change, not just potential change that may come but the changes from the past and what I’d lost in the process. Of course I’d gained plenty but when I’m in that frame of mind and I start to feel I need to dwell a bit I then start to wonder about whether it was worth it, ending up content but yet alone, life passing by and age quickly flowing by.

I remember the exact moment it had started yesterday. I was finally sorting out the one bedside tables that had become cluttered with all the things I normally throw on there, hair bands, brush, keys, watches, with the intent of, ‘I’ll tidy that later.’ Of course it slowly turns into one of those shelve coin pusher machines from the beach funfair arcade and when something new goes on, something else gets pushed off the side like a bottle of perfume or a bookmark. The only difference being that I don’t actually win anything other than a messy bedside table and dust.

When I finished dusting the tabletop and put some of the things back on that I thought should be there and put other things away in the drawer like the nail polish that doesn’t need to be there but I quite like it being there so it doesn’t get forgotten, I found myself a bit sad. It was looking a bit bare or minimalist and I could see more wall. I think it was that I felt I’d lost something. I’d lost a bit of me, a bit of the past.

I know when I get like that I’m useless. Throwing things away that need to be thrown away becomes a horrific emotion rollercoaster from that same funfair and I’ve learnt just to finish up and stop. Come back another day. Come back when I’m in a hard emotionless colder more efficient and forward looking person state. I get days like that and those are the days to do it.

I put the movie on. I thought this would be the best way to finish off my evening. A film with all of the check boxes, warmth, laughs and sadness. Get through the emotional state by provoking it with a romcom-stick – with a glass of Rioja this time – and go to bed. And provoke it did. I don’t think I’ve been in a mess like that for a long time, but, it’s just one of those things to work through. I’m not quite there yet but I expect by tomorrow, or at least a few days into work, I’ll be the forward thinking person deciding what I want to do to stop my life from passing me by.

I found a tall candle in the study. It had been on the windowsill being decorative for probably two years, a gift. I decided that may be it was time to usethat candle and enjoy it. It sits here on the table in the garden while I write, the night sky firmly in place and dancing in the intermittent breeze. Rather than let it’s time pass by it is alive. That’s something I have to do.

Until next time.

Hannah x

4 thoughts on “That’s Something

  1. I think we are all feeling a bit inward looking these days. My weekend has been been two days of quiet introspection, wondering what next. I like your idea to find a way to relax, maybe I need to take a leaf from your book.
    xDebsx

    • With all the stuff going on at the moment it wouldn’t surprise me if many people are going through this sort of thing. I also do wonder though if it’s part of being gender dysphoric and the only people who don’t get it are those who are lucky enough that their lives don’t change other than their gender.
      I suppose I should write a book before you take a leaf out of it. 🙂

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